Exhausted

I'm exhausted today as I work on the completed rough draft of my paper. I'm frustrated I don't have any toner again so I can't print it out here to read it. Where I can work online, I find it hard to edit and read online. So, I need to figure out a way to negotiate all the kids and life to get to the store and buy toner. Right now we are down to one car so I'm sort of stuck. We went out with another couple last night and I may have overindulged a bit with regard to alcohol. So, today I'm tired and don't feel on top of my game. It was an irresponsible thing to do, but I was having a good deal of fun. I figure everyone deserves some fun on occassion. I'm also still worried about paying tuition. I have days when all of this seems impossible. Today is one of them.

Pushing Up the Hill

I'm working towards the final phase of my first action research project for this program. It has been a bit of a stretch and I feel like the hardest part is yet to come. Up until now I'm constantly writing in draft mode. It is free and I'm able to keep up. Soon, like this week it needs to become formalized and the quantity has to become quantity. I don't doubt my abilty to produce a good product, but the time crunch is killing me. I'm also stressing about money and some personal things. I feel a little bonkers. I have thought about quitting all together some days just due to the stress alone. Then I realize I can't let the cohort proceed and me just allow myself to be absent. I need to see this through or I will struggle for years with the failure. I have wanted this degree forever so I have to try and filter all those negative thoughts away.

Reflection as of 11.6.08

The discussions this evening made me think mostly about the value of all the actions we have taken in our projects so far. It is an odd concept to think of oneself as a researcher and as an integral subject within the body of research. In the past I have thought of the researcher as the observer and objective body. I had been feeling odd for this project because my subjects are also my employees. So, by asking them to use certain tools such as Google Talk or encouraging them to use those tools in certain ways, I felt like I was somehow skewing the outcome of my own study. I also felt when I started this project that I had a pretty good grasp of how to do research. I have always felt indebted to the Chair for my M.A. thesis, Dr. Galindo. She was my mentor, friend, and she pushed me harder than any other professor has. Overall she taught me a great deal about doing and evaluating investigations in a very critical and scientific way. Action research I am finding is very different. It is acceptable in this type of research to involve the researcher and for the researcher to take an active role in the process. That is probably the biggest lesson that I am taking from class tonight.

I am also interested in the concept of putting a great deal of value on qualitative data. I would have not been told to depend so heavily on this type of data without quantitative support as well. It is a whole different level of respect for the human side of processes and outcomes. It puts people and circumstances outside of the ‘lab rat’ realm. Not every problem is a maze with a right and wrong path. The human element makes the journey count. It has to do with feelings, perceptions, circumstances, and occurrences along the path that may alter the outcome in a variety of different ways.

I have struggled with this concept professionally for years writing grants, technology plans and the like being that the current culture is based so heavily on measured outcomes and data based decision making. It is not acceptable to say that all the teachers and students that were surveyed attributed technology engagement to higher engagement and greater learning. You have to have a direct correlation to some type of standardized test. Not only is that impossible, but attempting to attribute one factor to an improved test score is a major injustice to the system as a whole.

So, overall I think that this program continues to demonstrate a great deal of value to me in that the focus is on real change. I think the passion of those involved in this journey with me will be demonstrated in amazing ways as we all push forward toward changes for the greater good within the human element.